Friday, 2 April 2010

Control flavours my week

Siem Reap, 12h30, Saturday 3 April

Shadow of Angkor cafe

It has been a less comfortable week if I tune in to the world and situations here.  I continue to feel in a smooth bubble of personal calm and wonder sometimes, is this Human Design just an anaesthetic?  But for sure, all is truly well in my world, the details that bother so many people are not such a challenge, just a distraction, a soap opera.

When I ended the original blog - over at, do check it if you have time - I was concerned that either I had to stop being so honest about every detail of my life, or risk hurting people.  This remains a challenge for me, because the essence of testing human design in the way that I do necessarily raises personal and local details of my life.  These impact others.  I feel unsure how to proceed.

This week the sun has been in the hexagram of Control, number 21, and I conclude this is not a comfortable hexagram.  I have this hexgram in my own birth chart, I sense it is not kind, wanting to control others is a pain, basically.  My own chart has both the moon and venus in line 1 "Warning - The use of force as a last resort."  In my case I am too peaceful and I lack will power, I end up forced asking for respect, as a plea, and not getting it, and this has been my week, whatever the line of the sun, now already in line 5, this week has had this exact flavour, nobody respects me, I am actually powerful here, it is my money that pays for the business if it fails, and this month, so far, not good.  

I did not want to brag about the couple of days we were successful, I felt wow, we did something right, and this would continue, but no, back to the bucket of shit, as the old joke goes.  And worse, my personal relationship, which is never entirely sure, and went through total breakdown in version 1, is currently threadbare and impossible.  I sense that this overwhelming vibration of control is squashing the entire world, not that I mind, I am safe in my shell  and as I say, wondering, am I just numb to others and to circumstances?

I cannot tell until the next hexagram comes along.  Meanwhile practical concerns mean I must travel and as a generator, I am waiting to respond and my energy is just inconsistent, as to be expected with my chart.  As the French say, only the provisional can last, and that is my life, still here, no ticket, and why?  I am not sure, I live easily and happily without the fuss of having to do anything and I just flop and don't go.  Is this Human Design?  Is this me?  I cannot tell but I sure feel that others would say, hey, something is very wrong here.

The annual Human Design event starts today in Toronto, without Mahalo for the first time in many years.  I have been one of the most regular customers.  My sacral did not care to go this year, I make my decisions in my tummy, as Human Design tells my with my particular chart, and my tummy did not want to go.  I feel almost in mourning.  Yes, it has been a rough ride there some years, I have autism and people do not see a label for that.  It is not as thought I am in a wheel chair, but still, socially, everyone asks me to dance and hurts me when I cannot.  The scars of memory, one year ages ago I felt deeply suicidal at the Ibiza event, it was the year Ra spoke about Angels, Demons, Ghosts, and so on, and I seemed to suddenly feel these psychic energies on the island, and I was disturbed by the whole event that year.  It remains in my memory, scars do.

And here I am basically healed, I am so healthy, my God, I am working out, I lasted a full 2 minutes on the rowing maching, and am at my target of 8 repetitions, one set, on the weight machine.  OK it is less than others, but they are just obsessed, I don't want to get muscle bound.  Just healthy, and I walk taller as my back and chest muscles are a little aware and awake and just flow, I almost feel like a man.  

All is well, but not well.  Me too.  I can find either perspective and things look either great or bad depending on where I look from and with what glasses on.

As Monty Python once said, Trouble Up t'Mill...

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